Spiritual Slide Shows

Today being a Sunday and a very important Sunday at that, I felt it appropriate to talk about the importance of mothers in the healing process. Strong and spiritual women are a blessing to me in my life, and my mother has been no exception. There’s something about a mom that can make the hardest of men (I’m actually pretty soft in many respects) reach back into their memories of what it was like to come into this world and be thankful for the gift of life.

My mother wanted children right away when she got married and had all four of her children as close together as she could. When her oldest was born (my older sister) she and my dad learned that it was necessary for her to have her by way of Cesarean section. This turned out to be the case with all of her children. I reflect back to the time in recent months when I had a teeny tiny abdominal insision for my vp shunt installation and how it immobilized me (in my smallish mind at the time - hah! I made a funny) and then having my mother tell me that after giving birth to us she would have to strain under great diress just to do things like pick us up and feed us. And here I was complaining about how to turn myself over in bed or pull myself out of bed just to use the bathroom. Multiply that by 5 for the length of the insicision (this was back in the 70’s before newer procedures have likely helped this) and then that by 4 for the number of children she had. My understanding is that she almost defied her doctor’s order in order to have my youngest sibling but I could be wrong. She wanted more than 4 children.

Now having gone through that, I have a very profound insight to what a parent (especially  a mother) goes through when a child is at risk for health concerns. Already having suffered much sickness, pain, and sorrow in giving birth to a healthy baby boy, that concern of a good mother can last a lifetime. Feeling powerless to do something about a strange health concern such as a brain tumor and leaving it to the hands of medical professionals is not an easy thing to do, and it hasn’t been for my mother.

During my first surgery 5 years ago she turned to the Lord in many respects and found strength in learning what was in store for our family as we discovered this new challenge. I still remember getting home from the hospital 5 years ago and in our own home finally learning to live with the results of a strange and new living condition. I hadn’t had a shower so I took one. Not really knowing what to do with my head because of the wound on top of it, I did the best I could to wash it. I couldn’t bring myself to touch my wound because for one, it hurt like the dickens, and two I didn’t want to mess with it.

After coming out from my shower and putting on clean clothes, she spent an additional 10-15 minutes combing my hair and pulling dried pieces of blood out of my hair…almost as if she was helping pick the broken pieces of my sickness out of my body. It was very symbolic looking back at it now. In younger years, applying first aid to a scrape, and in later years listening and responding in only the way a mother could has been a strong suit of my mother. We’ve had our differences, but her constancy and resolve to do the best thing possible for my well-being has been such a blessing.

Growing up, my mother did her best to be frugal with what we had, and she learned to cut hair. Her first attempts weren’t likely the best, but hey it was a free haircut. Tonight after honoring mom, dishes were done, and grandkids attended to, she willingly relented to give me a haircut just to get the hair off my ears and neck. (I like short hair) She has been a little out of practice but she did a great job. I still haven’t decided if I will get the rest of my head cut any shorter. For one, I want to know where I need to rogaine, and two, I don’t know what it would be like to go into a barber shop and not scare away their customers when they see how bad my radiation side-effected scalp looks. I may get brave this week and get the strangest crew cut of my life. I’ll be sure to get a picture before and after. I just need to find the right haircutting place.

Anyway, where would we be without our mothers, for good or for worse?

Well, having graduated from radation therapy, the only thing left on the plate is neuro-rehab. Without complaining, what I will say about that process is that it hasn’t met my expectations. Apart from an initial neuro-psych evaluation, I’ve only met with one other doctor at the barrow clinic. The report I got back from the evaluation initially was 3 weeks after I had surgery and naturally there were some deficiencies. Imagine someone messing with something you think with, and then be asked to use it in all sorts of strange new ways. It’s just not possible to get a perfect score unless you have some sort of superbrain. In a nutshell, the report said I was fine in my general knowledge and other areas requiring mental abilities that were attributed to parts of my brain that were NOT operated on. However, the parts that were have been slowly healing up and rewiring themselves with or without doctor visits. I’m not sure how important that is right now. (more…)

I don’t have to do any more radiation therapy appointments, hence I’ve graduated from radiation treatments and I have the diploma to prove it:

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The reason for this post is to approach in all seriousness something that is verily important to me in light of the recent goings on, and with my future. I hope to convey it in a way that coincides with my desire to understand from a scientific point of view how cognition works and what makes someone intelligent vs. someone who is quick-witted, can score well on tests (IQ included), and increase their abilities in the long run.

A looong while ago, I made reference to something I coined "steroids for thinkers." In my view and opinions, the human mind is a special muscle for our bodies. It isn’t responsible for tactile or gross movement of limbs. It may tell other organs that they should do what they do, but ultimately it is the specific muscle that does the movement. Likewise the autonomous functions (respiratory, digestive, etc.) depend on the central nervous system to do what they do.

What I’m referring to here is a ‘muscle’ that’s by design the gateway into all our experiences, and dedicated to absorbing anything it possibly can.

If you’ve been reading, my brain’s a little broken right now. There have been improvements over the last 2-3 months, but I’m most interested in getting myself back to where I felt I was in December 2008…and quite possibly before that.

Brain tumors depending on where they are located affect the individuals they’ve become part of in different ways. My particular tumor was invasive-meaning that bad tumor cells (although benign) were occupying the space needed by normal cells. They were integrated so to speak in a way that the treatment was total gross resection of the tumor material and some of the good tissue around it. What was left is a tumor bed which is literally a large hole in the vastness of space in my skull.

During the time in my recovery, I’ve noticed that my personality (including behavior) isn’t 100% how I’d like it to be. I can still operate a computer, type, exercise, interact with people, find humorous situations, and spend time with those I care about. However, I’d like to be able to address the issues of learning on a personal level since I’ve declared myself a life-long learner and I’ve got lots more to do.

At least one reader made a comment a while ago about some personal views of one of my favorite educationists and took time to correct me in my abilities to convey his original thinking. I must reiterate that my intentions at the time were based on the information I had available to me at the time and the amount of time I had to put it together. My assertions were also based on my previous recovery 5 years ago of my ability to perform work and academic tasks at hand based on my certain academic discipline and subject area. Therefore I have no scientific proof for my views, other than it be my personal experience only. Wouldn’t it be nice if a formal study of such work could be done and made available? Well, maybe for a later time.

Tomorrow I get to visit my doctor who is serving as my neuro-rehab specialist for an initial consultation. I’m very interested in the types amd methods going to be used to help me get back to my former self. The prevous neuro-psyche evaluation a couple of months ago was enlightening to say the least. I scored high on some batteries of tests, but not as high as the staff would have liked based on someone my age who has not had brain damage. The specific area I didn’t do as well as they thought I could have was putting things in contextual order. (Truly that test was interesting and very challenging at the time) One of the areas they suggested as a form of therapy was speech or language. The justification or reasoning was because it can help with that contextual order deficit or whatever they wish to call it. In hindsight/retrospect, if I had the time and methods to go back to that conversation I would have been to retort to the doctors, "Backwards but talk don’t I!"

Alas, the seriousness of the situation probably wouldn’t have allowed for it. Ever since my first resection 5 years ago and subsequent recovery, my speech has never felt better so I’m interested to see what will come of it. I’ll post on the progress as the therapies are laid out.

Anyway this is the last link in letting me return to my normal self, I suppose. So I’ll let everyone know how it all turns out.

I woke up at my usual time this morning to get ready to go to the hospital for my daily radiation treatment. Getting "zapped" (my joke word with the radiology techs) on a regular basis hasn’t really been enlightening or draining me either way. It just seems part of life. I checked my phone messages this morning to see I had missed a call from my radiology techs saying their machine was down for the day so I could reschedule the appointment for a different day. I chose to have the day off like lots of others get Good Friday off, so I’ve been running around town running errands. FYI, yesterday it was confirmed with me by the radiologist that I only have 11 treatments left. Am I that done already? I guess so. For readers who consider themselves religious or at least rely on a higher power might consider this next bit interesting… (more…)

Well this is the beginning of the end, I suppose. I’ve made it through the first half of the radiation treatments. In all actuality the only drawback thus far has been the drive into downtown Phoenix on a daily basis. I’ve hit rush-hour a few times but if I get up early enought it’s really just like going to work somewhere downtown, if you can call laying down on the job a real job. Each visit takes only about 15-20 minutes and then I’m done.

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Today being Friday, I’m declaring this to be a teeny tiny milestone: I’m through with the first week of radiation. I get weekends off. Somehow I believe it’s more for the radiation oncology staff so they get to have a weekend, but I’m sure there’s a medical benefit buried in there somewhere for patients.

I’d like to describe my experience thus far with radiation therapy uneventful. I should reiterate here just in case people are wondering…I don’t have cancer. I had a generally benign brain tumor resected that has potential for regrowth so they are radiating the tumor bed to prevent possible remaining tumor cells from dividing and causing a resurgence of growth. That’s all. I’ll repeat in case there’s confusion: I DON’T HAVE CANCER. (At least not now). If you’ve been following the blog, my neuro-oncologist said I’m not a candidate for chemotherapy. I’ve been telling several people, including friends and family members that I almost feel guilty about "averting" chemotherapy in light of the revelations I’ve had with another friend with whom i had lunch a week ago. She’s been receiving chemo for a different type of disease. During lunch she seemed happy in general but I could tell it was taking its toll on her emotionally. Having already lost all her hair and imposing diet restrictions on fresh foods made me reflect on how difficult life can be for some people. My friend and I share at least one thing in common. For the time being we both had to stop working and move home with our parents during our ordeals. But we both reflected on how wonderful it is to have family so close and that there are many people in the world who don’t have that blessing to be able to come home and recuperate. There are many cancer patients who have to go it alone, and many bravely do in their own right. In my view they aren’t really alone even though they may feel such.

On that note, let me reflect on my own parents for a bit…I’m the direct product physically and spiritually of them in so many ways. Being the son of an engineer father, and an educator mother has literally turned me into an educating engineer. (For work I help engineer software that helps people learn and in turn I get to learn from the people or ‘clientele’ of the college I work for of their expertise and educational backgrounds as they describe what and how they want to teach using technologies I recommend or build for them). What I’m saying is without the influence of my parents I would NOT be who I am today and for that I’m grateful. For those who are reading who feel that they have or had less than ideal parents, I can’t offer much other than the view quoted here:

On Children
 Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

So with today being Friday I’m glad the first week of radiation went off without a hitch. The staff at St. Joseph’s radiation oncology treatment center has been very cheerful and I already feel like a regular. One week down, and 5 more to go. I try to imagine all the other patients they see each day for whatever reason and how this is something they try and make a highlight of the patients’ lives–that they are doing something that is hopefully going to make them better. Thats the point of it all, anyway, right?

I’ve been blessed with many people who have been considerate towards my situation. I truly wish to repay the friendship in an appropriate way and use the example of kindness and become a better friend myself.

In my humble opinion, exercise is a weapon against depression and discouragement. Now if you can combine exercise with nature, you have two therapies in one: fresh air, and blood flow to your thinking organ. This can produce endorphins that help you out of thinking patterns that can end up being rather selfish if you don’t keep them in check.

Last week I had the opportunity for a brief hike in the Phoenix South Mountain park. The friend that suggested it in the first place was one of the surprise visitors in the hospital when I was in the ICU. Back then I wasn’t coherent enough to know when I thought I would be ready and only as of late had my ability to take up the offer for the hike magically "reappear." So we went and I took a photo to prove it:

I had a long afternoon at the doctor’s office yesterday. This time it’s the radiologist who is going to be responsible for my radiation treatments. This particular episode of my treatment is not one I’ve been looking forward to, necessarily, for obvious reasons. I’ll repeat them here:

• Radiation, while very effective for treating people in my condition, has side effects such as fatigue and more notably for me personally: hair loss. I’ve been blessed (thus far) without the side of my family’s gene pool for male pattern baldness occurring earlier in my young adult life. While I’m not particularly vain about my head of hair, I never once considered it would take disease treatment to make me lose it (or parts of it). So I’m going to have to learn to live somewhat without hair. I’ve yet to decide what to do: go entirely bald or just wait and see what the "fallout" area looks like once the side effect of hair loss becomes a factor and deal with it then.

Also on a side note, I had been anticipating participating in my church’s annual Easter Pageant. It’s the largest outdoor easter pageant in the world according to the website: http://www.easterpageant.org/. At any rate, the fatigue factor, rehearsals and performances, and the timing of my daily treatments (which are to be as consecutive as possible) may limit my ability to play my small part. I sure hope not! I’ll keep everyone updated.

What is sort of cool about the consutation appointment yesterday is they formed the head-mask they use for reference on where to aim the energy beams. It’s also to keep my head stationary while I’m strapped to the equipment that delivers the treatment. Word has it that I get to keep this once my rounds of therapy are over. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with it yet…anyway here’s a picture of it:

I asked my dad to be the unofficial photographer for this experience and only recently got a hold of the pictures he’s taken with his camera. (Thanks Dad) since there wasn’t anyone in any sort of position to post the pictures online, I’m now "going back in time" and adding pictures to some of the posts so that readers can have a visual of what things have been like. (more…)